Mea Culpa: in which I come clean

The problem with writing an entry and then not posting because you "just want to tinker a little bit more?"  And then delaying and using the entry as a springboard to discuss various capital-I issues with spouse and friends?  Well, for starters, when you open said post back up again to read the Very Sad Tale of My Troubles, they just . . . well, let's just say they no longer seem quite so au courant.  There's a reason the newspaper is such a welcome friend first thing in the morning, and so ho-hum (except for the crossword) at night.  Because, dude, that shit is old news. 

 

So here I am trying again, my post written last week during a particularly low moment safely tucked into my "drafts" folder.  But so we're all on the same page, to recap: funk, woe, irritable, job = fine but isn't life more than this, my god, my friend just jetted off to Cambodia to help prosecute former members of the Khmer Rouge funk, loneliness, no exercise, blah.  See also, perhaps not the best of times to repeatedly try to discuss the Two Recurrent Issues In Our Relationship with DK as one questionable tone from him and I'm in the bathroom crying my little swollen eyes out and he's wondering why it's so wrong to suggest going to the movies (but what if there was a baby in that movie, you beast).  Anyway, I have been low, but have now written two mission plans to get back on course and talked about it ad nauseam with a few friends, the cat, DK and the bathroom wall. 

 

And I'm kind of ready to move on.  My melancholia, like a rueful teenager, frankly just needs to be treated with a stern hand.  I have a plan, I have the resources to make that happen, and I don't like feeling this way.  Also, and maybe the most true, when push comes to shove, I'm a little cowardly about really getting into it all on the Internet.  It's all well and good to lightly allude to some malaise, but it all feels a little terrifying to have the warts and all just out there.  For god's sake, I kept secrets from my therapist because I found it a little shameful not to be totally together on certain points.  Many things I am as an open book; other topics are . . .  well, Fort Knox springs to mind.  (Oh pride, you are a funny little thing.)  At the end of the day, I just need to get back to being comfortable in my own skin.  And frankly, that will need a little bit more than a to-do list and a good cry.  But many many little things can help, as my moods can mercurial and my spirits buoyed by something as mundane as running into a co-worker I haven't seen in a while on the stairwell. 

 

To that point, on the master list was harnessing some of this inward bile and rather than write a nasty comment to a nasty comment on some random  blog (sidebar: I can count on one hand the number of times I have commented on anyone's blog in the past year and yet I felt compelled to leap to the defense of three girls who write an entertainment blog?  To fight snark with some really heavy duty snark?  For pete's sake, self), I am committing to write HERE every day this month.  Every day.  My own personal NAMPLO (I can't actually remember the acronym, but you all know what I'm getting at).  Yipes. 

 

I'm quiet when I'm sad, so now I'm going to be chatty as I try to pull myself up by my proverbial bootstraps.  Life is good; I just need to get my head out of my ass long enough to remember that. 

 

Um, I hope you are well? 

Comments

[Teej]

I get the same way: withdrawn and quiet when sad/stuck. No judgment of issues here. We all have 'em. Looking forward to your posting spree and hoping it helps to work out the kinks.

[Chookooloonks]

Very well. It's good to see you back. :)

(and as a former attorney to a current one, e-mail me if you need to. I don't think I need to tell you that, but in case I do ... ;-) )

K.

[hazelblackberry]

Good luck with the everyday posting thing and with the bootstrap thing. We'll be checking on you!

[Carolyn]

Can't remember if I've commented before or not, but I really appreciated this post. Glad to hear that you'll be posting more this month. I need to treat my own melancholia with a sterner hand myself, so thanks for the reminder.