Introspective Blather

I have rarely been so pleased for it to be Friday.  Maybe it's because it's March (or nearly the end of), or because I can't quite get my head around how quickly the year has flown by, but I am having a bit of . . . melancholy?  Anxiety?  Or I'm just tired.  Last night was a 2 am night in the working world (though on a fun new case), and when I crawled into bed besides a sacked out DK and a hard-stare-giving Topo, I found myself in the ol' worry loop.  You know, when you know the thing you most need to do is sleep, but the sleep is elusive because Mr. Brain has decided now is the perfect time to ponder doleful topics like "Is life passing me by?" and "Whither the child?" and "Am I only happy in this job because I don't know what else is out there?  Am I a coward for thinking I'm happy?" which then devolves swiftly into my plowing deep the fields of crazy:  "If I get pregnant in the fall/winter, then I could take 3 months maternity, and then maybe add an additional 3-5 months as a 'sabbatical' and we could move to France while DK works on his thesis and then I could go back to work as a senior associate and but, wait, shit, we can't go to France because of our enormous mortgage payments and god, this is what they mean by "golden handcuffs" but maybe if I stopped spending money, I could save enough to pay the mortgage and go to France and couldn't we live frugally there?  Could we rent out our apartment? What about the art? Would it go into storage?  Shouldn't I tighten the ol' belt now just in case so I can take long walks with my non-existent infant in a small French village and learn how to properly speak French instead of relying on my current half-assed high school version?"

Or something like that.  It was a boring track set on endless loop and I awoke quite worn out with myself.  I just feel like I am running out of time, like there's this compression when I look at the calendar, not just from a baby point of view (though, yes, I'd be a big lying liar to say it doesn't cross my mind), but from a doors close point of view.  It's easy to imagine taking six months off to live in France as an associate.  It is impossible to imagine being able to do so in three years time.  It is easy to imagine having flexibility regarding where we will live as an associate (with good reason, I've already gotten to move cities three times within the same firm); it is almost impossible imagining we could do so if I have long-term prospects here. And how to figure out baby and savings and mortgage payments in all of that, is, well, worry-making. 

It's not just a question of to go for partner or not.  Sometimes I just worry that my world view has just become to myopic.  The thing is, the world I know, the world of straight-forward, march-step associate hierarchy is, by its very nature, going to change.  Thus, I'm going to have to make some major decisions in the next few years that are a bit daunting.  See, I've had a clear idea of what I wanted to do as a career for many years and it has been a road that is not particularly hard to see: it is well paved and brightly lit, good signage.

Nor has my path to get here been marked by particular angst.  I went to the same small school from pre-kindergarten to senior year.  I went to the college I wanted to go to.  I studied, as anticipated, English and art history.  I worked in a law firm after graduation.  I worked for the general counsel of an internet company after that.  I went to law school and after one summer of doing public interest work, and have been at the same firm since 2002.  On paper, not particularly adventurous.  All those things happened in wide variety of locations: Kansas City, upstate New York, Edinburgh, San Francisco, Boston, Dallas, New York – which I think imbued a fairly straightforward trajectory with a sense of genuine upheaval.  And every year, my job has changed, in nature of work, the level of responsibility, the management role.  But I don't want to lose out on great opportunities (like FRANCE) because I can only see the laurel crown.  Or vice versa.  You know? 

Phew.  Happy Friday!  Well -- an interlude -- I just had a big tearful conversation with DK in which I tried to explain all the above and he basically told me to give myself a break.  That I shouldn't beat myself up for some imagined character failing or degrade our present life because I worry that I could possibly falter at some future point when choices need to be made.  His point is that the path often looks clear in retrospect, and we should be proud and happy that where we are in such a good place, with a great home and dear friends and satisfying work.  He's thrilled to finally be working on his dissertation, proud that I've earned enough doing work I enjoy to live well, buy a terrific home we love and – well, we'll make the changes we need to make as they come due.  We'll have a baby when it's right for us to have a baby (knock wood).  We'll stay or go as opportunities arise.

Can you tell DK is a wee bit more laid back than present company?   

Put like that, it's hard to continue to Eyeore around, all "woe" and "wherefore?"  But I am going to start a secret France slush fund.  Just to have a little reminder that we can do it if we want. 

Comments

[Chookooloonks]

DK rocks. What he said.

Oh, and hang in there, li'l buckaroo.

[Drew]

I know those tearful "trying to explain" conversations all too well. DK's words could have been coming from my boyfriend.

[Elena]

(((makes plans to stow away in your luggage when you go to France)))
seriously, GO TO FRANCE. while you can.

[Ms. Runner]

I'm graduating from law school in May, moving to Philadelphia to begin life at a firm in September, and, well, your post just really hit home.

[Mandee]

Delurking to say, "I know. I know." But also, count yourself among the very few lawyers I know who love their jobs. My 5 year class reunion is coming up, and I can think of 5 people off the top of my head who have already quit practicing. DK is right. Enjoy the moment as best you can.

[Adele Richards]

Delurking to give you the possibly worthless opinions of a complete stranger who has no idea what the world of lawyerdom is actually like (except that you work crazy, crazy hours)....

Go to France sans enfant. Enjoy pootling the cobblestone streets and tearing hunks off French baguettes and stuffing your face with Brie.

I know the old hormones and clock ticking etc can send a gal a bit crazy re. baby making....and I know this is the most cliched statement ever made to humanity but....having a baby is the most life-changing, perspective-altering, personality-shifting thing you can do. I wouldn't rush unless you have to.

Sounds fab to me that you love your job so much. Don't feel guilty for enjoying it!

[Nancy]

Thanks you guys; I felt better after reading each of your thoughtful comments. I need a little perspective and reality check every now and again -- and now can't stop imagining crusty tops of baguettes!